The Power of a Same Team Mindset

We’ve all been there…you’re in an argument with a partner or spouse and you know deep
down that you aren’t really upset with them, but everything coming out seems like a
judgement or an attack. You’re feeling tense, on the defensive, and you’re not sure how
things got so off track. When this happens in relationships it is often because we have put
the problem between ourselves and our loved one. It is a divide, a barrier to connection,
and we get caught in the trap of someone “winning” or “losing” the argument, when that
shouldn’t be what it is about in the first place.
This is where the power of a “same team” mindset comes in. It is a grounding framework to
help remind you that you and your partner are in a relationship, working together, and
arguments should not be an exception. When you can get rooted in the idea that it is you
and your partner against the problem, it puts you in a place of collaboration, rather than
from a defensive position. This leaves you space to empathize with their position, ask
questions, and work together on a solution.
One of the first steps in adopting this perspective, and it is a hard one, is to try and remove
blame whenever possible. Instead of “You don’t do the dishes,” it can become “the dishes
aren’t getting done on a regular basis and we need to come up with a solution.” If you really
think about it, the very nature of shifting from “you” to “we” automatically sets the tone for
a same team approach.
Another important aspect of coming from a “same team” mindset is that it can be used as
a metric to help you personally reflect on issues. Simply asking yourself, “am I really 
coming from a place of being on the same team?” can quickly ground you in the realization
that this thought or argument may be coming from your own pride or ego rather than for the
benefit of the relationship.
Finally, if you and your partner work on using this framework, then it also gives you agreed
upon language to help redirect your partner when they are truly not being themselves.
Saying something like, “it really feels like we’re not on the same team right now” can be a
powerful way to get each other to pause and reflect on the motives in which you are
operating. By coming from a place of wanting connection, we can often sidestep the initial
defensiveness that can be reflexive.
Remember, dissonance is going to happen, but this simple shift to a “same team” mindset
can be a powerful tool in how you handle disagreements, and ultimately, in growing your
relationship. Lead from a place of connection, work together, and you might be amazed at
the shift in dynamics you discover.
-Britain Willcock